


Deep Silent Complete

by impudent_strumpet



Category: Shoujo Kakumei Utena | Revolutionary Girl Utena
Genre: Affairs, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Betrayal, Cheating, Dialogue Light, Disturbing Themes, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Fairy Tale Elements, Female Friendship, Femininity, First Time, Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Guilt, Hotel Sex, Idealism, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Infidelity, Inner Dialogue, Innocence, Inspired by Nightwish, Introspection, Loss of Innocence, Loss of Virginity, Lust, Manipulation, Manipulative Relationship, Mild Sexual Content, Musing, Nervousness, No Romance, Non-Explicit, Non-Explicit Sex, Non-Graphic Smut, Non-Linear Narrative, Older Man/Younger Woman, One Shot, Panic, Regret, Romantic Friendship, Sad, Sad Ending, Self-Doubt, Self-Reflection, Sex, Sexual Fantasy, Sexual Manipulation, Sharing a Bed, Some Plot, Statutory Rape, Talking, Temptation, Thinking, Underage Sex, What Have I Done, What Was I Thinking?, just a little, thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 00:12:23
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14800595
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impudent_strumpet/pseuds/impudent_strumpet
Summary: This just...popped into my head in the shower a few nights ago XD I've seen some very Tumblr-esque reviews of this scene, and I agree that it's a very disturbing one, but it's Akio, what do you expect? I was more shocked and disgusted by him taking Kozue (who is YOUNGER THAN UTENA) into the car, and preying on Touga, a victim of child sexual abuse, throughout... Oh, and ANTHY.I don't think this is just another "holy crap Akio is shady" scene. We know that by this episode. We've had more than enough of our fill of it. Rather, the point trying to be made to the audience is the troubling fact that the entire main cast and some of the minor characters have fallen into Akio's web of lies and careful manipulation, not knowing what we as the audience do about him...including, now, even our princely protagonist. And she knows that. That's what she's upset about, more so than the act itself. She knows she's betrayed Anthy, Kanae, her own values...and it doesn't take long for the guilt to sink in, as we see with her line "All I came to do today was deliver the roses..." But "once it's done, you can't undo it." That's what I meant to portray in her thought process here.





	Deep Silent Complete

**Author's Note:**

> Very, very light sexual content. Warning for underage and portrayal of a very uncomfortable scene in the anime.
> 
> Title derived from a song by Nightwish, that has many songs that remind me of this anime, especially those about loss of innocence and magic of childhood.

Utena might not be sure where she is anymore.  
  
It all went hazy at some point. All except what was right in front of her...all except him.  
  
It sounds like a soppy romance scene, but...this is different. To be blunt, this is anything but.  
  


~

  
She was so ready for this before. She couldn't believe it. Her first time! Her excitement just brimmed ever higher on the way back from the carnival, as she entered the hotel room, when she was left alone to slip out of her dress for a shower, as is done before...that. She briefly thought, as the hot water poured onto her and she ran the soap over her body, if she should take a bit longer. This would, after all, be her last night in this same body. In this same virginal, untouched state.  
  
 _"Once it's done, you can't undo it..."_  
  
But she had forgotten all about it when a burst of excited glee took her again. Gods, she had never felt like this before. She had spent so long as a boyish, outgoing, sometimes rowdy rebel and prince, she had almost forgotten this. She had never felt, never been, this smitten, delicate, coquettish...this much like a _girl_. And tonight she would become a woman.  
  
The thought made her crave it even more. She longed again to feel the warm, tender embrace of a strong and regal man, this time to breathe in the heady scent of roses, let it sink into her pores, feel the ache and pound of this magical, deeply intimate act and cementing of an adult relationship, to feel herself transform into a woman as she became one with the man in the other room.  
  
When she turned off the water, slipped on a yukata, and padded into the other room, she found herself jittery with both enthusiasm and nervousness, which she figured was natural. This was, after all, her first time. She could imagine, but she wasn't sure exactly what to expect. She didn't want to look or feel too nervous, though. She wanted to enjoy this, wanted to be serene and confident like a mature young woman. Like a _yamato nadeshiko_ of old.  
  
But she could never sit still. Not really. Especially now, when there was so much up ahead.  
  
She figured she'd distract herself until the time came. That usually helped. Her mind would always wander to so many places, it was often eased by being free to just do what it would. She dried her hair, did some stretches, just let her thoughts wander... She ended up even voicing her thoughts out loud as they ran through her head. Anything to distract herself. Especially to break the deep silence that filled the room, the ticking of the tall old clock as it neared the time to...  
  
She was worried about what she would do when she arrived back home, would everything be ok? What about Himemiya...  
  
Himemiya...  
  
She decided she should be ready. Things would probably be more relaxed, less tense, then. So when the time drew close, she was the one to flick off the lamp as she slipped into bed, pulling the covers over herself.  
  
To find her body stiff as a board, between shifting, turning, staring up at the ceiling.  
  


~

  
That was all she remembered. She was still lying on her back, tendrils of her bubblegum hair spread out around her, a few brushing her shoulders. Her yukata since discarded, she was naked, with Akio's strong, powerful, sculpted body on top of her own, one of his hands holding hers with their fingers interlaced and her other hand free.  
  
He had been mostly silent this whole time. Some curling grins playing up his lips here and there. A few whispers in her ear, in that deep, rich, sonorous voice of his, that sent tingles down her body like a thousand pinpricks. She hadn't been paying much attention. Her eyes had been closed for most of this time, sighs escaping her lips as sensations she had never felt before, never even dreamed of, rippled through her in flowing waves and plunging valleys. Such deftness the man above her had in the art of this, such skill, she never would have thought...  
  
It had felt good, to be sure. Hell, that was an understatement. So sensuous, so carnal, so intimate. So _hot_. Not quite how she had thought it would be...but different, somehow. Still, she could not deny she had reveled in it.  
  
That was the problem.  
  
Why had she done this? This feeling on her skin and inside her, so thick it was almost residual, sweat and moisture and breath and musk and more still... It weighed so heavily on her, on her bare and exposed naked body seemingly clear as day, like a scarlet letter. The surface under her no longer felt soft and cushioned, more cool and smooth now, almost cold against her tender skin. Some bright light shone on her too, like a spotlight, she could not tell if it was real or imagined. Like the dueling arena...  
  
She opened her eyes a bit.  
  
"Um, having fun until this late..." she murmured, all her worries from before resurfacing, all dredging up like rocks and shells were dragged back when the waves receded. "When I get back I gotta make lunch for tomorrow right away..."  
  
She tilted her head slightly to the center to face Akio. "Um, what should I make?"   
  
She tried to think. "There's some salmon left, so...salmon and... Then boil some asparagus...and fix some omelette real quick...  
  
"Usually, we just use all the leftovers from dinner, see..." Now she was just rambling. Just rattling off whatever came to mind. Again. Just like before. What was it, half an hour ago? No, it had to be at least a few hours.  
  
"...since there's two helpings for Himemiya and me..."  
  
 _Himemiya._ Oh, gods, Himemiya. A sudden pang shot into her then and she felt her breath go shallow. Himemiya...  
  
"What a mess. What'll I do?" ...Oh, no. Had she really just said that out loud?  
  
 _Refocus. Come on, refocus,_ she told herself.  
  
"I can't think of anything..." she despaired quietly, her mind scattered. She was starting to panic.  
  
She took a breath and tried to regather her thoughts. "Salmon, and asparagus, and omelette...but what else? What should I do?"  
  
At this point she knew very well she wasn't talking about lunch for the next day.  
  
There was no sound except her own voice. Just this utter silence. Why? That made her feel even more exposed. Even more vulnerable and awkward. Couldn't Akio say something?  
  
She made herself face him again. "Hey, what do you think? Maybe sandwiches?"  
  
Such a basic, generic lunch. She definitely wasn't thinking anymore. Not at all. But she had to come up with something here. So much could be done with sandwiches. Surely he could think for her.  
  
But still no sound, no movement from him as he hovered over her, only his long eyelashes blinking once or twice, some glint in his emerald eyes. She could not tell at all what was in them.  
  
She quickly redirected her thoughts. "If I mix the asparagus and salmon with some mayonaise, break in a boiled egg..." she murmured, desperate to break the stifling silence.  
  
But they only returned to Himemiya again. In her mind she saw those purple rolls of hair, that gently smiling face, round green eyes behind round clear glasses. "I don't know. What'll I do?"  
  
Still Akio remained motionless, soundless. Why?  
  
What was she even doing here? What had she done this for?  
  
"I can't remember," she admitted out loud. Every other thought had seemed to flee from her mind, like tiny frightened fish swimming away from a shark or whale, and all she was left with was this huge, hulking guilt threatening to swallow her.  
  
She hadn't even remembered Himemiya, not until now, her own dear friend Himemiya who she claimed to care so much about. So many times, she hadn't. She had been so blind, just seen right through her and forgotten her.  
  
Striving to put this out of her mind, at least for now, she redirected her thoughts to where they were before...where were they...that's right, the bread she had accidentally left out of the fridge in her carelessness. "And those are sitting out too...will they be ok?"  
  
 _Please, just say something, anything, to put my mind at ease,_ she silently begged him.  
  
"We always put them into, you know... and... in the fridge..." she nearly whispered, her voice breaking. "But today..."  
  
She felt him in her again, as his hand tightly clenched hers. Not like before, this time. Now she grimaced and squeezed her eyes shut, her face turned away from him. She couldn't look at him again. Not while this was happening, when Himemiya kept flashing across her mind unbidden. She couldn't look at the man she was betraying her friend with. Not just any man, but one engaged to be married, and her friend's own brother.  
  
What had she done?  
  
There was that silence again, that haunting, oppressive silence around them. Utena opened her eyes when Akio stilled.  
  
"Tell me..." she whispered. "What is eternity?"  
  
 **stopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstopstop**  
  
Somehow, she couldn't get the words out. They were right there behind her lips, but something kept them from coming forth.  
  
 _Please, please just say something. Anything._ She longed just to hear his voice. To know he was there. To know there was someone in there...  
  
Yet she knew that voice. That deep, smooth, full-toned bass, poetry in its mere sound. It was so affecting. It wasn't just heard. It was _felt_ , tactile, as much as those strong and skilled fingers of his that had trailed across her skin earlier. She had felt so tender and pliant beneath him, after the mere brush of his fingertips or a hushed whisper at her ear...in more ways than one.  
  
There was something in those hard green eyes of his, narrowed into catlike slits, as hers met them. They seemed to stare right into her, making her feel even more naked than she already was. She faintly saw some hungry, devious gleam in them, as if they knew some special, juicy secret. As if they knew many things that others did not. And these eyes were staring straight at her, knowingly, piercingly.  
  
She was treading on dangerous ground now. She knew it.  
  
She had gone too far, but there was no going back.  
  
Once it's done, you can't undo it.


End file.
